Raise money for PANDA

Im raising money for PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety and depression Australia. Their awareness week is coming up.

I haven't talked much about my experience with post natal depression and anxiety after I had Rosa. I think this is for a few reasons. First of all, it was too much to think about. I had a rough birth and felt unwell straight away, worried that i wouldn't bond with Rosa because i didnt have a vaginal birth and I was so unwell after I couldn't see her... what about the skin to skin?! The first feed that experts had told me was so important?! Also because I didn't want to seem attention seeking or recieve the "are you ok?" messages if I posted something. Because I felt ashamed that I wasn't languishing in more moments of Rosa joy. Plus I was very prepared and aware that mumming wouldn't be easy, so when I was struggling I thought, "maybe this is the hard work I had been warned about". And, I wasn't wanting to hurt my baby or drive off a cliff with her so maybe I wasn't THAT unwell right? But shit got real. I had a panic attack at 3am when I thought I had fallen asleep while feeding and smothered Rosa to death, just to find it was a hot water bottle. I had accumulated 3 thermometers in the nursery as maybe the 1st one is wrong, but what if the 2nd one is wrong... so a 3rd should surely give me the answer. I spent hundreds of dollars on equipment that would fix her and me. I looked at her for hours waiting for "tired signs" that others seemed to find so obvious and panicked about the consequences of this. I had to troop on and continue breastfeeding even though it was so painful for so long.

I ended up in a mother and baby unit after being encouraged by my maternal and child health nurse. I stayed for a couple of weeks and got the one to one care and support I needed. I was reassured. I rested. I ate. I started on medication, seeing a psychiatrist and started counselling. I took daily walks down to a horrific coffee shop in bundoora plaza (however I did get a chocolate freckle with my coffee so shouldn't knock it), but was proud of myself for doing it. But even then I discharged early to get 'normal' again for those around me, ashamed for landing myself and Rosa in a mental health facility. But it wad a turning point to access the help I needed and keep talking. I also had amazing friends, mothers group and family to lean on.

Please seek help when you don't feel ok and call PANDA for support ❤