Bald for Butterflies

I will be shaving my head! To raise money for Butterfly Foundation for Eating Disorders, and help people with eating disorders gain access to the support they need.

Recovery from an eating disorder is a long and arduous task, the mental drain is constant and the triggers complex. I know this from personal experience.

Last year I made massive progress with my bulimia, but at the same time, my weight ballooned. I hate my appearance, I hate the fat on my body, I hate the way my chubby face looks.

One thing I have never hated about myself is my hair. It is curly, wild and uniquely mine. It is my favourite feature.

I am visually disgusted with myself, but I am also happier than I have ever been. Every other aspect of my life is amazing. No matter what I look like, even if I lost my favourite thing about my self, I will still be my happy self and I will live my happy life.

A little personal background:

My first year of university was a disaster, my self-esteem was non-existent and all of a sudden I had so much more freedom than ever before, and this included the ability to drive and access whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted. I embraced excess in every form, began what would be several years of intense partying and I also discovered a strange skill. I could make my stomach and oesophagus convulse, if I did it for long enough I could vomit. I didn't do it very often. I was 'in control'. I was also painfully aware of my own appearance and tendency to gain weight. I look back and I think I was crazy for my not having confidence in my self, but that is hindsight for you.

At first, there was no binging involved, I would just force my self to be sick if I felt like it. I didn't think I could develop a problem because eating disorders just happened to people "out of the blue", it just hit them one day with full force and their life is instant chaos. So I couldn't develop one because I was "consciously" "choosing" to throw up. Apparently, I wasn't a very informed 17 year old. From then, 2010, until last year, 2016, things got increasingly worse and any illusion of control had disappeared. I began secretly binging, then purging. At worst I was being sick multiple times a day, every day. It was painful, my throat hurt, my stomach hurt, and the worst thing was how much I depended on it and how harmless I thought it was. Through most of this, I was seeing a psychiatrist (still am), who I believe helped me slowly realise the damage I was doing. Slowly. So slowly and things got much much worse before they got better, self-harm and binge-purging ruled my life. Last year on my birthday 2/12/2016 I began taking a new medication which has significantly helped, along with the years and years of work I have done to improve myself, and a very helpful bulimia program that I took towards the end of last year. In the last year, I have only purged (thrown up) 4 times. It still seems unbelievable. It feels like yesterday that I was holding myself up over the bathroom sink, vomit pilled up in the basin and my red eyes from the heaving. I didn't just do it from guilt over weight gain but for the feeling it gave me for the feeling of release, the excitement leading up to a binge and the strangely comforting hollow feeling afterwards. The cost was not worth it, but I didn't care at the time. I realise that now, I realise it was years of putting off understanding my body and its nutritional and emotional requirements. I am paying the price for this, but as I overcame bulimia I will slowly overcome this setback to live a healthy and active life. I only realised all of this because I was lucky enough to get help, help that many people don't have access to.

Now that I am out of the woods, or at least in a safe place, all I wish to do is help those who are still in hell and prevent others from ever going. Help them see the damage it can cause, physically, mentally and socially.

I am so lucky, I have unconditional and invaluable support from those in my life. I struggled with bulimia but I have not had to struggle financially, I have never had to fight for education, and I have a roof over my head under which I live with the kindest, most supportive person I have ever met. Butterfly helps those who are not as lucky as I am, and as a person in a position of privilege, I wish to help as well.